I lay awake holding Bella and watching her sleep. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t close my eyes tonight. If I did all I would see is the image of my beautiful Isabella down on her knees where I’d forced her to be with her hands tied behind her back with one of my neckties with fear in her eyes as she looked at me with tears streaming down her face.
I would remember the welts and bruises that were covering her beautiful backside that I put there with my belt. Charlie and James’ bruises probably wouldn’t even show up after mine made their presence known in the morning.
I would remember her flinching from my touch when I reached for her on the bed screaming and crying at me in fear.
I would remember her fear as I carried her to the bathroom to bathe her as she cried thinking I was going to murder her.
Dear God what have I done? I always prided myself as being a man of my word. This is part of being a perfectionist. I’m dependable, I never waiver. And yet I broke the very first promise I ever made to the beautiful woman in my arms. I promised never to hurt her and that’s just what I did in every way imaginable.
I hurt her physically with my beating. There is no other way to describe that I did with that belt. I let my anger at the goading from Carlisle and Emmett get to me. Their comments that I wasn’t capable of training my own wife fueled my earlier anger with her.
Her outburst earlier got to me. Why did it bother me so much to hear her call herself a gift-wrapped package? In essence that is exactly what she was. Carlisle is paying her father a huge sum of money to turn her over to me. She is going to be my Christmas present at my request. I even made the comment to her that Carlisle would put a bow on her if I wanted. I chose her like choosing an accessory. I knew nothing about her and it never even occurred to me that I should. She was being molded into what suited me. Her wishes weren’t considered.
This must be what Rosalie and Alice felt in the beginning with Charlie and James. I cringed at the thought of them doing this to my Bella. And yet I knew they had. I’d been there to witness the aftermath of her beating and thought nothing of it other than they left her there tied to that table. I had even told Bella that I would be purchasing a paddle and gag like they used on her to use myself in the future.
How would my brothers feel if they did to their wives what I’d just done to Bella? Would Emmett be so cavalier in his comment to send Bella back to Charlie to continue her training?
I knew James had terrorized Alice during her time with them. Carlisle almost didn’t go through on his deal with Charlie for her. He only did so at Jasper’s insistence. He and Alice stayed locked in their home for 3 months after he got her. He sent Esme to the store for them and never brought her around the family. Carlisle, Emmett and I all joked that he had Emmett’s libido and just couldn’t get enough of his energizer bunny.
Thinking of what I did to Bella in one night, the level of fear she had in her eyes looking at me, I know. He was healing her. My brother truly loved his wife.
I thought about the other things I’d done to Bella tonight. I not only abused her physically, I abused her psychologically also. I took away the books I’d just purchased for her this afternoon that had brought her so much joy. Her eyes had sparkled for me and she had kissed me with her own true enthusiasm. Would I ever see that sparkle again after tonight?
Then to complete my torture of her I had taken the act of sex and used it as a punishment.
There was no love or tenderness in the way I kissed her. As I looked down at her in my arms I could see the small scab that had formed where I bit her lip drawing blood. I had forced her on her knees and made her pleasure me.
It was that act of seeing her kneeling before me with fear in her eyes that snapped me out of my rage. I was no better than a monster you meet in a dark alley.
She kept mumbling in her sleep. She was having nightmares. She would cry out in her sleep and beg me not to kill her. Each time she cried or said my name tore my insides to shreds.
I was afraid of what I would see in her eyes when she opened them in the morning. I was only just beginning to realize how fast I was falling in love with this angel in my arms and in one night
I had probably destroyed any chance she would ever love me in return.
How were we going to go forward? What could I possibly do to make it up to her? I knew I wouldn’t let her go. I couldn’t. I had to have her with me for eternity. I was going to have to rebuild her trust in me and I didn’t have the first clue how to do that.